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Article Source: churchhopping.com"A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked."
Comment: Possibly the first streaker in history.
"No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord."
Comment: We can't just be letting anyone in. We have to draw the line somewhere.
Although the verses are misinterpreted, they still give a chuckle.
#1 - Wed Dec 6, 2006 6:59 PM ESTAlthough the verses are misinterpreted, they still give a chuckle.
Misinterpreted?
#2 - Wed Dec 6, 2006 7:33 PM ESTPerhaps I used the wrong word. I meant that these verses are from another time and culture which had different customs. I'm sure we would be strange enough to civilizations from the Bible.
Good seed -- (one that should never be spilled on the ground.)
While I haven't actually preached on any of these specifically - some of them have been mentioned in sermons I have given.
#2 is one of my favorite stories in the bible - it is the story of the judge Ehud that was killed - his murder was not discovered because his guards thought he was just taking extra time in the bathroom; apparently they hadn't been eating enough fiber.
#8 unfortunately is preached in churches to justify the exclusion of transgendered persons from their gathering.
#9 is just plain weird - I have never received a satisfactory answer to why there was a naked guy at the arrest of Jesus.
#7 - the story of tamar and judah is actually a fascinating look at the responsibilities and customs associated with Levirate marriage. We studied the story thoroughly in my OT exegesis class. Judah's eldest son married Tamar and died before she could give birth to a son so it fell to his second son to marry her and provide a son that would actually be considered the son of her first husband. Unfortunately, he died too. At this point, Judah, fearing that Tamar was cursed, refused to marry her to his third son and left her to survive on her own as a widow. She then posed as a temple prostitute and tricked Judah into having sex with her. She got pregnant and forced Judah to acknowledge the child thus securing her own future as a part of a family.
#3 - Wed Dec 6, 2006 8:15 PM ESTThe only problem I have is with Number 10. If the author thinks that one isn't preached on, then he hasn't been to church much. I mean, I've not been in like 20 years myself, but I remember this verse being preached on, particularly as a launching pad to the "with great power comes great responsibility" stuff. Heck, it was even the topic of the "Blogging the Bible" segment in Slate recently.
Good seed -- (one that should never be spilled on the ground.)
Too funny!
Yes, and what makes this story even more interesting is the child of Judah and Tamar was in the line blessed by God that resulted in King David and Jesus Christ.
The Bible is full of such wonderful mysteries of grace.
A lot of these things may seem funny now, but they meant something back then. If you're interested, I recommend picking up a book on ancient orientalisms. It's an interesting look into ancient customs and cultures and also helps explain many questions aspects of the Bible; old testament and new.
This was always one of my favorite parts in the Bible because it demonstrates God's wrath against those who make fun of bald people. Forty-two youths mauled by lions because they made fun of a bald guy? That's pretty extreme!
Kings 2:23-24 NKJV
Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
#4 - Thu Dec 7, 2006 7:36 AM ESTYou just know this verse was written by some old bald Jew as a revenge fantasy. :)
I wonder... why FEMALE bears?
No, the Bible is literally true and this story demonstrates God's infinite love for bald men by mercilessly slaughtering 42 youths.
"If a man fights with another and the wife of the first man reaches forward and grabs her Husbands opponent by the testicles you shall cut off her hand, your eye shall have no mercy."
I always pictured this as a bar brawl, the fight gets perilously close to knocking over the table with all the drinks on it so the wife does the practical thing and ends it.
An instant hush descends, someone steps forward, puts a Gideon in the wife's mouth to bite on and quickly takes out a cleaver and whacks off her hand. Her husband grabs her and rushes her over to the open fire and thrusts her arm in, cauterizing the wound, he also offhandedly tosses the other guys balls into the fire then leads his wife back to the table to cheers and hoots.
"He's whose male member is cut off or whose testicles are crust will not enter into the kingdom of heaven, not unto the tenth generation."
Now leaving the absurdity of damning ten generations of mystically conceived prodigy issuing from the phantom testes of some eunuch I see this being stark evidence that God is a bit of a sweatshop employer.
What about industrial accidents? Sorry, no celestial insurance on these little babies but the good news is nobodies wife can grab them the next time you get into a fight. See you in hell void-sac.
#5 - Thu Dec 7, 2006 8:38 AM ESTThank you for this comment, it was a well needed laugh during a week of hellish grad exams and term papers.
"He's whose male member is cut off or whose testicles are crust will not enter into the kingdom of heaven, not unto the tenth generation."
Nasty.
Also nasty that the verse is misquoted. The true verse says nothing about either the kingdom of heaven or ten generations.
2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV
Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, "Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
I heard more than a few lessons on this in Sunday School as a child. Moral of the story: Be respectful to your elders. Very respectful.
Genesis 38:8-10 NASB
Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.
Never taught on my ass; this passage is the entire basis for the Roman Catholic Church's objection to contraception. The Protestants argue (rightfully, I think) that it was the dude's not owning to his specific duty that was the crime, not merely ejaculating onto the ground.
Ezekiel 16:17 NIV
You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.
Holy crap. I hadn't known of this one. Kinky.
Ezekiel 23:19-20 NET
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.
Hahaha! I certainly hadn't known of this one. That's what one might call a little too much unnecessary information.
#6 - Thu Dec 7, 2006 4:50 PM EST@ RadicalCentrist...
Oh, uh... I don't know that... NOOOOOOOO!!!
RC, please enlighten us on the difference.
As I recall, mostly the flavour.
Oh wait, that's scallions.
Holy crap. I hadn't known of this one. Kinky.
You think that is kinky, try reading all of Song of Solomon (in some Bibles it is called Song of Songs). That whole book is about a sexual relationship between a man and a woman.
Song of Solomon 4:5
Your two breasts are like two fawns,
like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies.
I am telling you people, if you made the Bible into a movie, with out any editing, it would be X-Rated. It's part of the reason I love the Bible: it's real (despite the way most boring pastor's preach on it, and the way it is portrayed in the media).
Hee hee hee.
Deuteronomy is by far my favourite Book.
#7 - Thu Dec 7, 2006 10:57 PM ESTDon't you just miss the good ol' fasioned fire-and-brimstone Christianity? Those were the days....
Sometimes I think it's time we brought back the good old days, teach these Godless whippersnappers a lesson every once in a while. I tell ya, our society's going to hell in a handbag, and what we really need is a couple of female bears to beat the @!$%# out of the sinners.
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